God Can Use Us all ..#nomatterwhat

It was never about the weight. It was never about how I looked. It was always about what had been just beneath the surface, hiding, waiting for the Son to take it and heal it and restore all that brokenness. But first, the light had to shine upon it. It had to open my own eyes to it. When I started this journey I was 321 pounds. I was angry, bitter, hiding from the world and pushing those that could get close away. I was a hurting blob of a mess yet inside I was desperate for the light to shine, desperate to be closer to Jesus, desperate to be healed.

And it is what He did. He shined the light upon the weight but as the weight began to come off the real issues began to pop up. The feelings of worthlessness, of rawness, of hatred, of the lies I believed so readily, became a shining beacon that I could finally see. It was time to fix this brokenness. The weight was just the outside hiding away everything on the inside.

God wanted to deal with me on levels that I never even knew existed. One of those ways was the way I thought I couldn’t be used in the condition that I was in. But nothing was farther from the truth. God can and will use whomever He pleases. No matter the circumstance or what they look like.

As Americans, as humans we tend to be very judgmental and think of being overweight as someone who eats too much and sits on a couch watching netflix all day. We judge those as overweight as lazy, stupid and full of excuses. We think they cannot contribute to the world because they are fat. FAT. We use it as an evil word to down trod an already broken people and make a world full of hurting people hurt more.  You need to be thin to be someone who we can trust in, count on, to contribute to this world you have to be someone different.

NO. All this time I thought because I was overweight that I had no value nor could I contribute to this world in a meaningful way, but the truth is, the truth, my dear friends, is that we all, no matter what we look like, what are weaknesses are, we all can and do contribute to this world daily. We do not need an audience of thousands, just one and it is worth it all. We think if thousands are not reading our blogs or listening to our music or to our message that we have gained nothing, done nothing, but my friends, just one person saved and all of heaven rejoices. ALL OF HEAVEN REJOICES. FOR ONE. For you, for me, for that one person that you have spent weeks speaking to, or who read what you wrote, it’s all worth it.

Every battle fought, every scar earned, is worth everything in the kingdom of Heaven.

Dear friends, do not let the lies of this world consume you and spit you out. It is what the enemy wants, to make us useless to the Kingdom of God. Fight the thoughts in your mind, fight the weaknesses and evil desires of your heart and ask God to keep changing and renewing and moving in those desires to make them His.

Over this year I have lost 141 pounds. God used me when I was 321 pounds and He uses me even more now. The thing is, I don’t think it’s because I lost the weight that He can use me more, I think it’s because He worked in my heart and soul and mind and He changed me from the inside out. The weight loss was just a bonus. I have a new perspective on life and who He is and who I was created to be.

I was created by Him for Him. My purpose here and yours too, is to love Him. I don’t know what you are going through, I don’t know your story, but I imagine that God will use your story to shine His light in the broken and dark places of others. We can’t be afraid to share those stories, or post those photos, because you never know who’s watching and listening and needs encouragement from someone who’s been there.

I realized as I  was looking through these photos that I have been on a journey and I need to share who I was then so that you can see how much the Father has done for me. So here is my journey for the past year. 🙂

My advice to us all: Fight. Make War. Even if it’s against yourself.

I made a slideshow of the progress of the last year. I cried a little. I don’t have many full length photos in it. But if you’re interested in seeing the changes, have a look.

Katie

 

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You are the Only One I Need

Jesus, You are the only One I need. In all the chaos of life, throughout all the hurdles, it is always You, only You. You can reach all the broken places, the darkest within me, all the problems that I obsess over, all the freedom I have not gotten to, it’s only You that can heal me and put me back on the right path.

When I fail and oh how I fail, You are there to push me, save me, and light up my world.

Here’s a new song that I wrote after I have been struggling in a relationship that I have in my life. Everything in me wanted to give up and stay away and end the friendship. That’s just not what Jesus does.

For Such A Time As This

Playing music at the Celebrate Jesus Festival 2015 in Brownsville, Texas in November 2015.

As we start out this new year, I’m reminded that God has made us for such a time as this. We were created, born, every detail in our lives for the plan that God has for us. As I get ready to move on to this next year, God brought Esther into my mind.

Esther 4:14 English Standard Version (ESV)

14 For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

Esther had a choice, to stand for her people, and possibly perish or to disobey God and her family perish. Esther had a choice to make. She knew that God was in control of it all. Too often we let fear of the unknown come in between us and God. I know I do. Sometimes, I fear I’m choosing the wrong song, or I’m saying to much, or maybe I shouldn’t be singing at all, but I know that that is fear. God has created me, not just for a time such as this, but to do what I do. He wouldn’t have given me the ability to sing, to write songs, and to play guitar and keyboard, if He did not want me to use them for His glory. These are the things I was called to do.

This past year God has reminded me of the wise words from Paul:

“By Your grace, I am what I am.”  1 Corinthians 5:10

This was the verse that God gave to me when I wrote my very first song for Him. It’s all based on that one verse. It’s by HIS grace, given to us through the shedding of the blood of Jesus, that we are who we are. I am who I am today because of God and His plan for me and the relinquishing of my will to His. I am who I am because He has changed me, granted I have far still to go, but I must be relentless in my pursuit of Him and His will for me. I must be relentlessly obedient even when I don’t want to be.

So in this year of 2016, my prayer for myself and you, is that we will be like Esther, and remember that when we are asked to do something that we were born to do it, we were born to be obedient and pursue His will. I pray that you also, will choose that this will be the year to be in God’s will.

Happy New Year and By His Grace may we all rise to the occasion.

Katie

#cultivategrit

Before I left for Nicaragua, I impulsively signed up to run a 5k race for a local church that benefitted their youth program. I say impulsively, because I thought, well, if I pay for it, I’ll run it. In my head, I was thinking that I would walk/run and train for this 5k, as much as possible while I was in Nicaragua. I had dreams of grandeur of getting up early, and running like a woman floating on air to the finish. This was CLEARLY a dream.

The truth of the matter is, Nicaragua was busy and exhausting and awesome (I will be writing about that soon) but getting up and running was not in my agenda and it got easier to put it aside. I thought, okay, so I won’t workout while I’m here but I’ll workout the minute I get home. Umm., no.

I got home and was exhausted and totally unable to function. Life is very different here in the United States compared to Nicaragua. So a week went by. And no working out for me. Then I got serious. You know that moment you are like, I’ve got a week to get this done!!! And the whole weight of your decisions just starts to crush you. Yeah, that.

So I started run/walking and felt I was doing okay. That was Friday, by Sunday my hips and shins were yelling at me with every step, and by Tuesday my knee was totally not cooperating. So here’s the confession: Running does not come naturally to me. It feels like I am making myself do back bends along a really rough road. I completely tense up, my legs rebel like that teenager I used to be, and it probably looks as awkward as it feels. And this makes me mad. And frustrated. I want to suddenly be a two year old and throw myself on the ground and scream. I do somehow refrain from that, but it makes me crazy.

I’m a great swimmer. I get in a pool and my body just knows what to do. There is no struggle or awkwardness, it feels smooth and easy and natural. Running, that’s another story. Running, I find, is very difficult. Running for long distances makes you train harder and different than if you were to run just a mile. And suddenly, I can see why Paul was so intent on comparing our lives running to Christ with a race to the finish. It is a marathon, no strike that, an ULTRA marathon. But at the same time that there is this struggle there is also joy, joy at starting something and finishing it. There is something addicting about pushing your body as far as it can go and then pushing it a little more.

Recently I was on pinterest and saw an article about what people say makes them successful in their fitness goals. One of the tips was to “Cultivate GRIT.” I like this. I like it a lot. I liked it so much I wanted to get a definitive definition of “grit.” I mean, I understood the concept but I was inspired by the very word “grit.”

GRIT:

COURAGE, RESOLVE, STRENGTH OF CHARACTER

I like it. I like it for my walk in Christ, I like it for my journey into fitness, and I am inspired to become more of a chick with vision when I think of the word. To cultivate is to acquire or develop a skill or ability, or quality. So wherever we are in life cultivating our walk in Christ, cultivating our fitness level, it’s all about the journey into the things that we would like more of in our lives.

The thing that I never realized about running a race, (and I don’t think you get it, until you do it) is that there is a lot involved. We mistakenly think that we can just get up one day and run. No big deal. The truth in the matter is that we must cultivate and train to become runners.There is not a soul on earth, who just gets up and is totally prepared and trained and just going out to run a 5k, 10k, or a marathon.

God is training us, cultivating grit in us, He is preparing us for the future plans that He has for us. And it takes work and it’s painful sometimes. When I first starting running/walking it felt like my hips and shins were on fire, but it gradually went away. I was training my body to do something. God is training our hearts and souls and minds to do something that we cannot even imagine. His plan for us is greater than anything we could think of. When we overcome the struggles in our lives and learn to completely trust in Him and let Him have His way, He moves, and in turn our obedience cultivates grit in us.

Let’s put aside this idea that there doesn’t have to be any preparation for anything. Let’s put aside the impatience that the vision God has given us hasn’t come to pass. Instead let’s cultivate grit.

Are ya with me? #cultivategrit

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March On My Soul!

I’ve been gone from this blog for awhile. It seemed impossible to write while I was in Nicaragua and when I got back, I just couldn’t seem to untangle the thoughts and feelings and things associated with my life. Certainly not enough to write or explain to others where in this crazy world I am and what I was thinking.

So much has happened in my life lately. Things that I have had to deal with, times I wanted to give in, and an exhaustion at being real in a world where being real is met with an attitude. Transparency, or getting real, is a very vulnerable and scary place to be, because being your true authentic self means opening yourself up to a world where criticism and judgement rules. As christians most of the time we go around saying, We’re happy! We’re Blessed! We’re loved! and inside, inside we are slowly dying a death of immeasurable proportions because there is no one to share that inside real authentic self. I’m sorry but God didn’t mean for it to be that way.

And in case you’re not sure that’s the case, ask yourself this, Where did Jesus ever be a fake version of himself? Did He not ask for prayer? Did He not cry? Did He not lament? Did He not become angry?

I think sometimes being the light of the world is being true to who God created us to be.  Most people can spot a fake way off. Instead of happy and blessed, why are we not saying, I’m not doing so well, will you pray with me? I’m not saying that we go around to every person, Oh, my life is horrible, but what I am saying is let’s get real people! We are the hands, feet, and mouth of a God who created you and me to be a LIGHT unto the WORLD not a liar. Not a hider or a faker. It’s okay to not be alright. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry and feel like giving up and honestly that’s when we need the Body of Christ most of all. We have to stop beating each other up, give grace where we need to give grace, and start building an intentional relationship where there is actual LOVE. Love, where did Jesus show love? ALL OVER the place, to people who knew God and to the people who didn’t. He didn’t miss the unlovable, He did not miss you or me. He loved us anyway. And we need to love each other, ANYWAY.

And when it’s everything we can do to hold on to the hem of Jesus’ garment, then we need to remember to MARCH ON! I don’t know anyone in the world who hasn’t wanted to give up a time or two. Who hasn’t said this is it! Can’t take one more minute, one more second of whatever it is going on in our lives. We have to fight. We have to not stop. Sometimes we take a break and we have to be okay with being sad or angry or confused, but we cannot stop. We still have to pick ourselves up and move on. In Judges, Deborah sings a song of praise after God gives Sisera into the Israelites hands (if you don’t know this story, especially as a woman, read Judges 4 and 5, it’s a great story!) and in it she sings:

“March on my soul! Be strong!” Judges 5:21

This weekend, I was in a bad place, I wanted to give up, but instead I realized it’s okay to be sad, and process things. Sometimes I just don’t want to go through stuff, I don’t want to process it, denial or whatever you want to call it, is SO much easier than saying, man this hurt me, or this made me sad, and now I have to work through those feelings. We have a tendency to think that we should be happy all the time, but if that were the case, why would God have created other emotions as well? In Ecclesiastes, Solomon talks about there being a season and time for everything under the sun, and that includes feelings. I had to go through it, not deny it, and remember that there is always joy, fresh and new with His mercies, every morning.

My prayer this week is that we start to be real with ourselves, with God, and with the Body of Christ. I want to be the body, hands, feet, and mouth of God and to do that, I have to be real. It’s not pretty, our real selves can be pretty raw and ugly at times, but I’d rather be in that uncomfortable place, saying Lord, Come, then sitting comfortably at home, knowing no one knows my true self.

Lord,

I pray that those who read this, You will touch their heart. Only You know what they need. If they are hurting, I pray you will touch those areas of their lives, I pray you will inspire and show us how to be real and transparent. That You will help us to march on when everything inside us wants to quit. I pray Lord that You will help us to love the unloveable, and to start afresh every morning. I love you and thank you.

In Jesus Name. Amen.

All things Surgery….

Confession: I am sitting in Starbucks basking in the glow of free internet and decent coffee. But my heart this morning is at the beach. I long to wake up and have a cup of coffee while staring out at the ocean. One day, I tell myself, one day. ❤

But first things first, I need to address something from last post:

First off, let me say, that normally I would never take a post down, it just wouldn’t be authentic. But I did take my last post off and I want to share with you that the reason I did so was purely out of love and not wanting anyone to be hurt. It doesn’t change the truth and I pray that the ones that needed that encouragement received it. So thank you for your understanding. (Should you have someone you want to read that post, simply email me at chickwithvision@yahoo.com)

Now, on to this week. I have been getting many questions about the surgery and just other things so this week, I just feel like I should share more information about that, and  what life is truly like post surgery.

Now, one thing that seems to be recurring is the whole, Oh my goodness, why do you make everything about God?

I make everything about God, because everything is about God. Once you have that understanding your life gets easier. 😉

So, on to the whole surgery thing. In my original post of getting the surgery I went into the reasons why I did so, and  now that I am over 3 months out, almost 75 pounds down, and working out, there is a definite learning curve. I want to make sure if you are considering this surgery, why I feel it’s worth it all. Now to the beginning of it all –

The day of the surgery I got up, and we got to the hospital on time. It seemed like time went so fast. I was completely calm but nervous and it didn’t get worse until I was poked and prodded. I was first on the surgery line up and 7:30 came awful fast. It wasn’t until I was in the actual operating room, getting moved on the table that I started to panic. I was like, what the heck am I doing?? All my flight instincts took over, but thank goodness, I had an AMAZING nurse that really kept me calm until the drugs took over. I don’t remember anything else. I don’t remember counting backwards or being put under, just remember the next thing waking up in the recovery room.

I won’t sugarcoat it, at first I was completely disoriented and there was extreme pain. This is not for someone who is not ready to go for it all. I remember thinking, what did I just do? There is a lot of recovery and a lot of things you have to relearn. There are days it is so frustrating and there are other days when you just get it and it’s like an awesome dream! So the first day was tough. There really aren’t words to describe the toughness of that first day. You are in pain, out of it because of the anesthesia, and thinking clearly is not something you can do well. I remember vague things happening and having to get up and walk a lot. LOL. When they said, you get up and walk, you’ll get out of here sooner, I was walking up and down those halls all night long. I wanted to go home! And even though I was in pain, I know my mom and some of my friends got a laugh out of the way I was acting. At least there were no iPhones and videos there.

So the next day, I’m sleeping, then up walking, sleeping again (Morphine drips are awesome), I woke up to the sound of water. Where is the water? At first I thought I must be really out of it, but then I realize that there is water dripping, rushing in, like a shower. My mom was asleep and I got up and realized that there was water rushing out in the bathroom, someone had left the water on in the room above mine!!!

And my room is being flooded..slowly but flooded. They are trying to figure out what’s going on, I’m trying to stay dry and out of the way. I remember telling my mom, they should just let me go home. 😉 And they did. There were no rooms. And my RN was like, let her go home, she’s up walking. I was SO happy to be home. The next week was a blur of pain, learning to eat a teaspoon at a time (all liquids), and just recovering. If you are like me at all, then this will be a frustrating time for you. You have to heal which means, not going all the time. I went from always doing something to nothing. Nada. Read a lot. Watched tv and felt the brain cells escaping me. So the first 6 weeks, not so fun. But it gets better.

So if I had any advice to give someone considering weight loss surgery, these are the things I would tell you:

1. Take it to God. Make sure this is the route you should go. Contrary to popular belief, this is NOT the easy way out.

2. Be prepared to not do anything except walk after surgery. Learn how to rest and find comfort in something other than food and bad habits.

3. Be prepared that you will have to face the demons. The reasons why you eat. The reasons behind it all. You will have to learn to eat and live a totally new lifestyle. This is a good thing. And God will take you through it. I have been on a CONSTANT journey since the surgery. It’s awesome. It’s hard. It’s emotional. It’s exhausting. Keep it up. It’s worth it.

4. Be kind to yourself. Stop the bad habits that you can before surgery. Give yourself grace when you need to. But be willing to face yourself when you need to kick your butt into gear!

5. Let God move in you. I wouldn’t have made it through any of this without Him. He is MY COMFORTER, not food, and that is a hard habit to break. I can remember when I first had to face the fact that I wanted food because I was sad. I was not hungry. I was hurt. I never saw it before. That first time, you have to deal with emotion and you cannot go to food, you are going to see a glimpse of yourself you never knew. We are often blind to our own issues. Be kind to yourself. Pray. Go to the One that truly comforts.

7. Realize this is a change of your entire life. You cannot go through this and remain the same. Everything will be different from now on. There is a pre-op life and a post-op life. They are not the same. You are not the same. But you are better. You are becoming the man or woman that God created you to be. With God, you will be breaking down walls and tearing off self imposed chains, and you will look up one day and realize that you are free and healthy.

It’s tough. It’s still tough. Its easier than it was, but it’s still tough. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that everything is perfect. Dealing with ourselves is tough. But so WORTH it. I can honestly say, I am no longer a slave to food. I am no longer a slave to bad thinking. I am free. I am free because I am willing to face myself in the mirror and let God move in me, to let Him tell me truth, and to take that truth and put it into effect.

Love Ya’ll

Katie

One last thing, learn to love menu planning. Your life will revolve around hydration, protein, and working out. I love it. Except menu planning. But if you don’t you may not get the nutrients you need. Take your vitamins. You need them. Trust me on this. 

3 Months Later….

I can’t believe it’s been three months. Three long and short months since the surgery. Since my life changed in amazing and trying and frustrating and awesome ways.

3 months and I have lost 65.5 pounds or a small child! I’m over 1/3 of the way to my goal weight and it just seems so amazing that I am where I am. It is not me, it is not the surgery but it is Jesus Christ, and all the honor and glory goes to Him.

Fear. It’s ugly and it constantly rears its ugly head. I know what God says, perfect love cast out fear (1 John 4:18),  and that God did not give us a spirit of fear but instead power, love, and self control (2 Timothy 1:7). Yet still, fear rears its ugly head. The truth of the matter is that I am afraid of failing. Maybe you struggle with this too. It comes up in so many areas of my life, this fear. I’m afraid to step out sometimes because I’m afraid I’ll be wrong (Ouch, there goes that pride. ;( ), or rejected, or just fall flat on my face in front of a whole room of people.

Worse of all, I’m afraid of failing God. I’m afraid I will miss out if I don’t watch it, that I won’t hear His voice, that even if I do hear His voice, its possible I will mistake it for the enemy, instead of God Himself. Where I wonder, is my trust in the heavenly Father when this fear pops up?

A year or two, may be three ago, I had crazy thoughts in my head, I wouldn’t wear high heels, and if I did, I always had the thought that I would break my ankle, or I’d be walking around thinking I’m gonna fall, or someone I love will be in an accident. Worries and fears were what I knew, I wouldn’t speak for fear of rejection, I wouldn’t do certain things because I would fail. Never was my word.

“There will never be anyone who loves me.”

“I will never lose this weight.”

“I will never be better than what I am.”

FEAR. Fear feeds into the lies that our society is ripe with and we have to fight it. What does the WORD of God say about those sentences above? There is hope and freedom and deliverance in Jesus. The TRUTH is I am loved. Not just by my Heavenly Father but He has put many people in my life that show me love again and again. I am losing the weight and if I keep following God, He is the Potter and I am the clay, if I let Him lead, I will become the woman that He wants me to be and there is satisfaction in that.

This weekend I worked out with a friend of mine. As I was working out, he was really pushing me, and I kept saying “I can’t!” because it is what I knew. Failure.  There was this one exercise that you hold yourself up on this thing (I have no idea what the technical word for it is) but you hang there and then you lift up your knees. In essence you are holding up your entire body weight with your arms and probably your back and core. I was so scared ya’ll! I’m like not even 2 feet off the ground but I couldn’t get my feet off the sides of the contraption because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to do it. So I kept taking my feet off and putting them right back on the sides. My friend was like, “Just do it!”  But I was scared. I was scared I would fall less than two feet to the ground. That is craziness people!! (Just so you know I eventually did it and can now hold myself for a straight 5 secs) WOOHOO!

This is what God told me:

It is for FREEDOM that Christ HAS (PAST TENSE People!) set us free. STAND FIRM then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery. Galations 5:1

We are free, Jesus paid it all. Somehow, we let fear of failing interrupt our lives and God never meant it to be that way. I am so thankful for making the choice to walk in freedom. I’m learning when fear creeps in to go to God, IMMEDIATELY. I take those thoughts captive and go on with life, and I am so excited ya’ll. (2 Corinthians 10:5) SO excited at all God is doing and the freedom that I have never experienced before that I am now walking in. I’m going to conquer, vanquish and obliterate this fear from my life, because I am relying on, trusting in, and obeying what God has for me! (Romans 8:37)

65.5 lbs ya’ll!! I even jump roped yesterday, there is an ever present joy in my heart, because the more that God works in all these things within me, the more freedom I feel, it’s not a constricting obedience, it’s a love and joy that surpasses all understanding!!

GRACE and Peace to You….

Katie

The truth about transformations…..

Did I ever tell you guys about that time, you know, that time I had surgery?

Yea, obviously, that’s what this blog is about. The thing about it is that these last few months have been so incredibly transforming, confusing, physically trying, and spiritually fulfilling.

It’s kind of like suddenly, an alien has taken over your body and everything you once knew is no more, and it’s completely different. Learning a different way to live is more than about food. It’s more than about working out everyday. Those are the physical things but it’s the mental that often has me on my knees.

It’s about finding the person that you have hidden all these years from every single person in the world, and now that person is starting to emerge. And God starts calling upon you to move the mountains, stand on the wall, and challenges everything that your personality is struggling to stay the same.

It’s a fight, a battle, and at some point you have to decide, will I fight, or give up? It reminds me of this song from a long time ago, “Will I Stay or Will I Go?” by the Clash.(Yep, showing my age! ;))

Will I keep on this carousel or will I get off? The struggle is real, ya’ll. It’s deep. The flesh inside of me fights like a wildcat to get its way. And all I want is to submit to the Loving Father’s will for me. I won’t lie, I’m tired. I’m discouraged at times. I’m ready to give up and give in at times. But my God hasn’t failed me yet. He has always been there for me, pouring out His strength when mine is SO weak. And I love how He always knows who to send my way, when I can’t go another step. When I wanna give in and grab a chocolate bar or a coke. Regardless of the consequences.

When your entire adult life has been about using your weight to build a wall that no one could scale or breakthrough, when it starts going away, the fight becomes intense. I don’t know who I am anymore! I’m struggling to figure out who the real Katie is, without the weight and the walls. Without the fear, without anything holding me back. That’s a hard thing. Have you ever thought what would happen if you were that free? To run without any obstacles, in boldness? Just being the real you?

I wasn’t ready for this, I wasn’t prepared for this, and those that know me personally, know that I am a preparer to the MAX. I want plans and backup plans, and I want to know what is going to happen next!

But I don’t know, and that is such a scary and exciting place to be! I’m excited to see what God is gonna do next and in the next breath, I’m scared to death of just what that might be. So I hold on. I hold on to hem of His garment, I hold on to the promises fulfilled and I hold on to the trust that He knows what He is doing.

I don’t know where I’m going to end up here but I know that God, who is the Creator of All, has a plan and it’s good.

In these blog posts, I may not get specific, but if you are considering weight loss surgery or even wanna talk about Jesus, email me, I’m always up for a good conversation. 😉

Just a little boxing… my new favorite sport!!!

Get OFF the SCALE!!!!!!! #worthisnotanumber

The top layer is from 2012, the bottom photos are within 2-3 weeks.

For a couple of weeks, every day I would get on the scale and be absolutely miserable when I didn’t see the results I desired. I would obsess that I went through all this and nothing is happening! It didn’t work!! Like everything else that I’ve ever tried and just like the fad diets and all the workouts and trainers and blah, blah, blah…… but the truth wasn’t found in the scale…..

Here’s the real truth, I’m down 2 sizes, I can not only see muscles, I also can get on an elliptical and pretty much run. ME! I can kinda sorta run…. 🙂 (Not that this is by any means a pretty sight……Kinda looks like the photo above this:)

And this makes me happy. UNTIL….. I get on the scale. And I’m depressed. And not seeing any results. And getting frustrated. And obviously writing in fragments.

ME + NO RESULTS = NOT HAPPY 😦

I am a total results oriented type A personality unless I don’t want to do it…(for example, I totally rocked out my taxes at the last minute…I’m just cool like that)

I think sometimes worry fuels me into going hard after things that I’m looking so far into the future I miss the details of the present. This whole time I was miserable and not seeing results, it wasn’t the truth of the matter. I had gotten SO fixated on a number that I stopped seeing any positive results beyond what little weight I was losing. I think we can get that way in life. We have a problem or a situation and what happens? We are thinking about it all the time. We stop seeing the world around us, and maybe where we can be used, we don’t even see it.

But God says, “Cast your cares upon me.” “Rest in the shadow of my wings.” “I am your refuge.”

When will I finally trust that God knows what He’s doing? Yes, I’m so much closer than I was, but why must I be obsessed with a number on a scale? Is that what God wants for me? NO! He wants me walking in His path, grabbing onto the hem of His garment for whatever I need. He’s right there, telling me, “Girl, I’ve got things that are bigger than that for you to deal with, so get on with it!”

I laugh at that, but it’s so true. We are not meant to sit there trying to attain some goal that the world set, instead we are to be grabbing up our swords and fighting the good fight, persevering to the end of the race.

My worth and results are not found in a number on a scale. It’s just a measurement. My worth is found in the fruit of my actions for Christ. My worth is found in the love the Jesus. My confidence comes from God and God alone. So even though it’s tempting when I walk in the gym to want to get on that scale, I don’t. I’m doing what I need to do, this time in my life is a time of healing, and growing closer to the Lord.

There has to be balance, if I’m miserable, there is no way I would keep doing what I’m doing, but the awesome thing about it, is that through all of this, God keeps talking to me, He keeps pushing me, He keeps dealing with these little things that I get crazy over.

I’m not where I want to be, but I recently told a good friend of mine, “I’m coming alive again.” And I am. I’m excited about life. There is so much I want to do and if I can keep myself from going crazy, I’ll be doing it all. 🙂

Will I ever be Enough?

Last week I  struggled  with discouragement on a major level and I struggled to hear and believe the words of truth from the Lord. The words that He whispers so sweetly, “I am your enough.” “I am your satisfaction.” “Keep your eyes on me.” “I am all you need.”

But instead today all I hear is a resounding, will I ever be enough? Will I be enough of a mom that my boys will grow up into strong, christian leaders? Will I be enough of a worship leader that God can use my often mistake filled worship? Will I be enough of a missionary to reach the nations? Will I be somebody’s version of beautiful and be enough for that one person in life to love?

When I started this blog, and I know I’ve said it before, but I vowed to be honest, even though it’s really hard to expose the inner workings of my brain with the world.

These are the thoughts I am often plagued with. The truth of the matter is that in our humanity we need that enough. That security and place where we know that there is another person pulling us through, cheering us on, holding on to us, when we can’t do it ourselves. We often think that that enough comes in a form of a person when in reality is it only Jesus that satisfies us.

I’ve been plagued this week with feelings of being left out, alone, and just never being able to be enough for God, myself, and the things that I have been called to do. And then, Jesus, in all His wisdom stepped in, and not only comforted me, but also reminded me of a few very important things.

We live in a world that tells us consistently that we are not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, nor do we have the things that make us important enough. But we are not of the world. We are the adopted sons and daughters of a Father that loves us so much that He made a way for you and me to be with Him forever.

This Easter reminds us of that sacrifice and the love that was poured out for us. Are we good enough? Are we lovable enough? Let’s be honest, no, no we are not good enough, it is only the love of Christ within us that makes us enough.

Still to this day, I know that when I look in the mirror I see a million things that are wrong with me, from my weight to wrinkles to just the way I look. Reminding myself that God is all I need is the most beautiful thing I can do, because with Him all things are possible.

Maybe you have my problem, never feeling like you are good enough, smart enough, or beautiful enough for people, but the One who matters, sees you as you are, and loves you anyway, no matter how many times you have rejected Him. He loved you so much He died on a cross and made a way for you to live forever with Him.

I will never be the beauty on a magazine and there, indeed, may be men and women, I encounter in life that will tell me, you are not enough. But I can’t get enough of the love of my Father in Heaven, who said, you are enough. I love you anyway. I created You in love. No, I’m not ever going to be the world’s version of perfect, but beloved friends, I am happy I will not be. I want to be the best version of what God planned for me to be, not what the world says.

Take heart beloved, His love is deep and He told me something beautiful:

“I love you as you are, I love you in the transformation, and I love you when you become the woman I created you to be.”